So life is good, I am so close to being done for 5 whole fucking month, i can't wait. I am so scared though. I am going to live in NYC all by myself though I have some really good people waiting there for me, Brian and Asher and others. But I am scared that I am making a mistake I just want to turst myself more and really be able to do this. I am happy to have Brian there he is one of my best friends conserding I don't talk to Nick anymore and Chirstope is coming up so thats cool too. But I mean Nick just has complaty forgotten I'm alive, I am alive to those who have also forgotten. Its sad when you move away from your home town, Like the people who are sappose to be your friend till the end right, forget and don't care don't call don't call even when you are in town. I feel like i';m wasting my time caring but I still care regardless of you all. I'm sorry I thought you may have cared enough about me that even though I am not living in Wheton anymore that I could still get a phone call and asked how ya doing all that BS once in a while, I'm tired of making the phone calls.

I just finished a big bitchy test here and I just wanted someone to care. And the one person that does i jumped down thee thourght cuase no one else did. I just wish it was over. 

Any ways done with the bitching I guess, so my life for those who keep reading. I am still with Brian, hes great and has an awsome job. I am moving into the city next month to work at Tabla and Bread Bar an Indian place. Its 32nd in the city, thats not bad. Its amazing and the company is really a group I enjoy working with. After I finish there I will be back in school for a bit then I'm finished and I'm going to run away I think, get some friends and family together and take time to see the world and eat some funcky things.

I miss Chirssy, I miss Brian. I feel at a lost right now I'm sick and I stressed and I don't really know what to do with myself.

How life around the rest of you?

Let's see: I am going to dead up speeding about $1000 on my car, though it will run with out complay get fixed right now. I fianted when i was giving blood on Tuesday. Then I fianted agian in the nursey offus when I should have been in class. There are way to many issue in my group I can't stand it so I try and work around it and just get my shit done and then I get hated on for not "caring:" I have better things to worrie about.

     I miss the people from MD and VA a lot. I was th inking about comeing home some time this block but i don't think it will happen. If I come home for thenksgiving, You all better be around for me to find.

    I just wish i could really taken in all that is happening, Life move so fast and slow here all in one. I reminber in Chef Copegde's class we went on a tour of the bake shops and we went into the Breads one and these people are rolling out dought perect and they had only been there a week, I never would have imaged being able to do it. And now i'm almost down witht his class. I still am worried that I won' be good enough in the next class to. But thats why Im here to lrean to fuck up and lrean why its wrong. No one really seems to see that.

I had a great weekend. I went to Ohio to visit the guy i was seeing uo here at the CIA Brian. We had a great time I really missed his touch. I complaly enjoy who he is. And it does scare me becuase I worrie that I know this may not last but there is always that hope it will. How ever it works out, He is one of the most interesting people I know right now.

CIA is hard its hard to be suck here and not really feel much. I have shut down and I can't get going its very hard. I feel like if i dont keep moving i'll die faster. I just want lazy morning by the waeter and stars at night. One day i do hold on to some new hope i'll find it.

I can't wait for the leave to change, in all changet here is some kind of good.

I had falling back into it all, I want to be ok for you and I just can't keep it up.

Is there anything worth fighting for? I just am trying to hold on.